Tender Mercies Amidst Heartbreak

Oh, hey Blog. I bet you thought I forgot about you. I've had a heavy heart for a while that just hasn't felt up to blogging much. I finally feel ready to write about it.

The day before Mother's Day this year I had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking and traumatic, but at the same time I've experienced countless tender mercies and small miracles that let me know that my Father in Heaven was mindful of me in my darkest hours.

The Friday before Mother's Day I went to the doctor for my first prenatal appointment. I had been looking forward to this because I didn't know how far along I was and I knew they would do an ultrasound to help determine the gestational age of our tiny one. The ultrasound showed that the baby measured 8 weeks but did not have a heartbeat. Miscarriage was inevitable.

Tender Mercy #1: The doctor and nurse (a husband and wife team) were the most compassionate, caring, sympathetic and professional people I had ever interacted with at that clinic. They answered all my questions clearly as they counseled with my about my options. They told me to take my time before leaving, offered to call someone for me, and reassured me over and over that it was not my fault.

Tender Mercy #2: My dear friend who took care of David while I was at my appointment let me cry on her shoulder. She was the first person I told. She cried with me and shared that she had had a miscarriage too and gave me some good things to think about based on her experience. She was a major source of support for me, and still is.

Tender Mercy #3: I was able to get in touch with Daniel right away. He was deployed and had been working weird hours. He stepped into action right away, waking up his commander at 3am to ask him if there was any way he could get home. The commander was not angry, but concerned for Daniel and our family and worked for the next several hours waking up whoever he had to to start getting Daniel home.

Tender Mercy #4: My parents. I literally have the most wonderful parents in the world. Within hours, I was picking up my mom from the airport. She was at my side the entire time she was here. She cried with me, made sure David was taken care of (by my Tender Mercy #2 friend), drove me to the hospital, advocated for me, asked the questions I couldn't think of, and kept Daniel up to speed with what was happening. I truly don't know what I would have done without her there. I needed her right that minute and she was there. I'm a very lucky daughter.

Tender Mercy #5: My mother-in-law reminded me that I had been in a way prepared for this. Just the week before, I had had a special spiritual experience that I told her about. At the time, I didn't know what exactly the experience meant, but with her input, I was able to see that I had indeed been warned of this loss. That didn't take away any of the pain of loss I felt, but it did remind me of God's awareness of me.

Tender Mercy #6: While in the hospital I was treated by a wonderful doctor. He just so happened to be the head of the OB/GYN department at our huge Army hospital. He was kind, compassionate, professional and sincere. He answered my questions and seemed to really understand what I was experiencing, not just physically but emotionally. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him anytime. I knew he meant it. A few days later when I wrote him an email to thank him for being so great, he told me that when I become pregnant again, he'd be happy to provide my care himself. Just a few weeks ago, I received an email from him, out of the blue, just to check in on me. I've never heard of doctor that would do that, let alone a doctor in the military healthcare system.

Tender Mercy #7: My fellow squadron spouses wasted no time at all in organizing meals to be brought in every day for a week while I recovered. My Tender Mercy #2 friend got the ball rolling on that. An email was sent out explaining that I had an "unexpected stay in the hospital, and could use some meals." According to a friend, the week filled up in less than 20 minutes. People I had never even met brought me the most delicious meals and even flowers and asked no questions. Those meals were much appreciated!

Tender Mercy #8: Daniel walked in our door 48 hours after I asked him to come home arriving Monday afternoon. Which is actually no small miracle considering what had to be done to make that happen. He was literally on the opposite side of the world (12 hour time difference, I think). When he left on his deployment it took him nearly 36 hours to get from Washington to his deployed location. After waking up his commander at 3am, he almost immediately started to "out process." He packed up, got some sleep, finished whatever paperwork he had to do. A KC-135 was leaving for Washington on Monday morning and would be flying over Russia and the North Pole for the fastest way home. However, that flight would not be able to fly that route with passengers (Daniel was a passenger) and instead would have to fly the long way with a stop in Europe adding at least 15 hours to the flight home. Somehow, they were able to legally swing it so that Daniel could ride as a passenger over the pole to get home. Daniel told me later that my mom mentioned to him that within just a few hours of him arriving home, I was already looking much better than she'd seen me the whole weekend. Daniel really does complete me.

My miscarriage was traumatic and devastating. It was 4 months ago and, while my darkest days are behind me, I still think about it every day. I wonder about the biological and spiritual reasons for it. I'm afraid to experience another one. I still feel a shadow over my happiness for others' happy baby news. But I also feel a greater kinship with and compassion for those who experience this type of loss. I am learning about God's incredible power to heal my heart and strengthen me and give me hope over and over again. I am learning to depend on Him more and more. Even though I have periods of time when I think, "I've got this" and try to go it alone, I inevitably am brought back to the realization that I need His light every single day.

Somewhere someone said something like, "God meets our needs through others' hands." That is true. Looking back on this experience I've seen that when I was in greatest need my physical and emotional needs were met by other people. Doctors and nurses, my family and dear friends, even strangers were placed in my path to remind me that I am not alone.

I hope that I will eventually get to a point where remembering my miscarriage will no longer be a source of pain, but a source of strength. I guess that's what this post is for. It helps to acknowledge the peeks of blue sky on cloudy days, it makes the whole day seem brighter.