Green

The funniest thing that has ever happened to me was in 2003. I was in my 3rd year at BYU-Idaho. My student ward took a trip to the Idaho Falls Temple to do proxy baptisms. Seems odd that the funniest thing to happen to me was at the temple. Anyway, I was among the first people to be finished with the baptisms and confirmations. I got dressed and went into the little chapel to wait for everyone else. The chapel benches offered very little leg room, which for me, having short legs, wasn't a problem. I chose a bench and took my seat at the very end of the row near the wall (because I hate it when people sit in the middle of an empty row when they know others will be coming later and will have to climb over them or ask them to move over). I was studying my scriptures and chewing on my special scripture marking pen (which is just how I study) as more and more ward members came in and took seats as they were finished.

After 10 minutes or so of studying and chewing, I felt a cool liquid enter my mouth. I thought "Eww! Old spit! A lot of old spit! That's nasty! I need to quit this pen chewing habit." I decided not to swallow it and just ask my roommate next to me for a tissue to spit out the spit. Before I asked her though, I found a verse that I wanted to mark. As I was marking it, I noticed that my bright green gel pen was suddenly almost completely out of ink! Just as the horror of what had happened hit me, a temple worker walked into the chapel to close our baptismal session. I was trapped! I had a pen's worth of green ink in my mouth and I was trapped by 7  long-legged people sitting between me and the end of the row. Not only that, but it would have been in very bad taste for me to get up and excuse myself from the closing of the temple session. I knew I shouldn't swallow it all and I couldn't talk because I was afraid of spitting it or drooling it out onto the beautiful white upholstered benches.

Then I had an idea! It's ink! Paper absorbs ink! I have a notebook full of paper! I quietly tore out a sheet of paper from my small notebook and tried to wipe out the ink like the paper was a napkin and I was spitting out an unchewable piece of food. Well that plan was an EPIC FAIL! See, in my panic I had forgotten that gel pen ink doesn't really absorb into paper very well. It needs some time to dry or else it will smear. That's exactly what happened. I ended up smearing shimmery green ink onto the paper and onto my mouth and chin and fingers. Awesome. That's when my roommate figured out what was going on with me and started silent laughing. I had to kind of laugh too. What a fix I was in!

The temple worker seemed to talk for ages after which he asked someone to give the longest closing prayer ever uttered (there may have also been a closing hymn, but I don't remember). Finally! I can get out of here! That's when I noticed who all the long-legged people were on my bench. 6 very polite and very single young men who had been taught by their mothers to let "Ladies first." Well, apparently the ladies first rule only applies to girls sitting in EVERY OTHER ROW! Can't they see I need to get out of here!? I have my hand over my mouth and chin like I'm about to puke (which I was starting to feel like actually) for crying out loud! I'd had this killer green ink poisoning me for 10 whole minutes! Well, I'd had enough and I pushed my way out the door and speed walked as reverently as possible (remembering I was still in the temple) to the bathroom where I was finally able to spit it all out into the sink. My roommate and a female temple worker came in after me to make sure I was alright. Once I had most of the ink cleaned off my chin, the three of us had a good laugh about it. That's when I noticed my teeth were also green. They stayed green for the rest of the day (even after brushing). The good news is that I was finally able to kick my pen chewing habit! :-)